RESOLVE To Know More & Walk for Hope!

This blog post is not going to be about our adoption journey or where we are in the process to (hopefully) bring a little one home and complete our family soon…instead this is going to go out to the millions affected each year with infertility.  Next week is National Infertility Awareness week (April 20-26).  National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW) is a movement that began in 1989. The goal of NIAW is to raise awareness about the disease of infertility and encourage the public to understand their reproductive health.  In 2010 National Infertility Awareness Week became a federally recognized health observance by the Department of Health and Human Services.

 

Infertility affects roughly 7.3 million people in the United States…or 1 in 8 couples. The chances that you know someone affected by infertility is HUGE. 

Only 15 states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment. Virginia is NOT one of them.  Hence all testing & medical procedures relating to infertility must be paid at full price, out-of-pocket.  Offering a comprehensive infertility treatment benefit with appropriate utilization controls may actually reduce costs and improve outcomes by eliminating the inappropriate use of costly covered procedures and allowing specialists to use the most effective, efficient treatment for a specific type of infertility. 

Infertility has been the most painful thing that we have ever lived through (thus far).  And yet, it has also shown us how strong & resilient we truly are…not only as a couple but individually.

 

 

Which is why we have joined RESOLVE’s Walk for Hope!  Walk for Hope is being held in several locations across the country.  Funds raised from the Walk support local RESOLVE programming which includes support groups and educational events, public awareness initiatives, and advocacy efforts to ensure family building options are available for all!  We have pledged to participate in the June 21^st Walk for Hope in National Harbor, MD!  Please help me reach my fundraising goal by clicking here to view my personal page – look for the “Support Susan” button to make a fast & secure donation.  No gift is too big or small and ALL donations go directly to RESOLVE!  If you would like to walk with us...PLEASE DO!  It's free to participate!

Over the course of our public journey…many of you have mentioned how knowing of our situation has made you take stock in what you have.  That somehow we have helped you better endure the temper tantrums of your little ones, or the clutter they seem to leave behind in every room because you realize how lucky you are to have those little "toddler tornadoes".  Many have mentioned they don’t know what to say to someone dealing with infertility, or that our story has opened their eyes to the adoption process.  There are so many lessons to learn from struggling with infertility.  Infertility has taught me how to deal with disappointment and loss better by thinking and trying to remain positive, and by managing my expectations. 

I’ve learned a number of things that I’ll pass along to you in the event

you know someone struggling: 

Age doesn’t matter – Infertility can happen to anyone at any age.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, infertility does not discriminate! 

Emotional loss is worse than physical pain – Emotional pain is much worse than needles.  Black-and-blue bruises will eventually fade, but the longing in my heart will last forever.

 

You have to trust the process – Even if I didn’t fully understand it…ask questions!  No matter how ridiculous they may seem and you’ve got to put your faith in the team of experts that you have built around you. 

Don’t forget the men – Contrary to popular belief…Infertility is not a woman’s only issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently.  Don’t push them, but it is important for them to know you are there. 

 

Communication is everything – This is a difficult time for a couple and some marriages cannot withstand infertility.  Talk through every single concern you have with your spouse and listen and respect each other’s different ways of handling disappointment, decisions about next steps, finances, how much you share with family and friends, etc.  You need each other during this time, more than ever! 

Mother’s Day & Father’s Day – Hands down the HARDEST day of the year for people battling infertility.  With all the activity on these holidays, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers.  Please keep in mind…there is a distinct difference in choosing to not have children than never being given that choice.  Remember those that you know are dealing with infertility on this holiday, trust me, they will appreciate knowing that you haven’t forgotten about them. 

Lean on friends that support your decision to stop treatment – No couple can endure infertility treatments forever.  At some point, they will stop.  This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief.  What I’ve come to realize, is that infertility is like mourning a death…you’ve basically spent most of your life imagining your life as a “traditional” mommy or daddy.  This includes the exciting announcement to your friends, family and spouse that you are pregnant.  This includes identifying the characteristics of your child that resemble you or your spouse.  When you find out that you will not be able to have children in the typical fashion, this dream shatters…it dies and you grieve deeply.  Imagine losing a loved one and no one ever asks you if you are okay.  This is what many friends and family members do to people with infertility.  The silence is deafening and changes you and your relationship with those people forever. 

Please act interested – Now this is just my personal opinion, but something that doesn’t help is when people who know of your infertility NEVER ask how things are going or mention it at all…like it’s taboo or something.  You’re scared to ask questions for fear we cry or it brings up bad memories…we get it…we are just as scared of silence (or lack of interest).  Some women (especially ones with babies) actually seem to avoid you when you struggle/can’t have children of your own.  I’m not sure if they feel uncomfortable or if they think we can’t handle seeing them happy? 

Which brings me to another point…Let them know about your pregnancy.  Be mindful and deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.  A true friend will be over-the-moon excited for you, but may just need a little time to get her emotions in check.  Give her the courtesy of that time.  You’ll have tons of other people doating over you in the meantime.

 

Think before you speak – I have had people (surely without thinking) say things like, “That’s sad, I’ve been told by my family if I just stand next to a guy I can get pregnant” or those with kids say “It's just easier to hang out with people that have kids already.”  I realize these people aren’t intending to be hurtful, but they have no idea what lonely and painful experience infertility is.  Also, many people want to tell you stories of couples who have experienced a miracle despite a diagnosis of infertility.  Oddly, this makes you feel worse because the more stories you hear like these, yet still no pregnancy for you, you start to feel even more discouraged.   

What it boils down to is this: I know the above sounds like there are so many things NOT to say so it may seem easier to just not say anything at all.  But join us on the harder road and trust that we’ll ask you for advice, suggestions, etc. when we’re ready.  Until then, just ask us how we are doing, let us vent & cry.  We constantly hear parents complain about the struggles they have with their children, please allow us to express the struggles of NOT having children.  If you know someone dealing with infertility...reach out to them this week.  If you aren't sure, just be there for them.  Your presence (and general interest) will mean more than words.